to the land of my ancestors
I’m huge about creating a list that reflects your values and what brings you joy. For me, the dream has always been to travel the world. As I reflect on my travel experience as a little girl, I’m reminded of all the times my mom sent me to Puerto Rico to stay with mis abuelos. Swinging in hammocks in the soft breeze and the chattering sounds as the dominoes flowed between his old wrinkled palms and the wooden table is how I experienced Puerto Rico. Every so often we’d go to a touristy spot, or the playa. But we often found ourselves in the rio behind my great-grand mother’s yard. One time I caught a cat fish so huge I needed help reeling in my homemade fishing rod, which later that evening was our dinner….I had no idea. Looking back I didn’t fully understand or appreciate the gravity of what it meant to be able to go back…..to go back to the land my ancestors.
My grandma would often ask me to live with her. I’d say no every time, but now as an adult I wonder sometimes what my life would have looked like if I stayed. I won’t go down the trail of what ifs, but I will say I’m grateful for ALL of the summers I spent with her, because it was a way I stayed safe from home and didn’t even know it at the time.
That is until one time there was a scary situation that happened that impacted all of us so deeply…. to the point where no one talks about it, not even til this day. My memories are vague, especially since I was the youngest. I try to piece those moments together but I can’t remember it all….I trust my brain did what it needed to keep me safe. However, I truly believe this collective experience is what has shut my mother tongue down. It’s locked deep inside my brain, and every time I try to unlock it, I can’t. My Spanish is trapped, and I don’t know if it’s still there waiting to be unleashed or it will stay hidden deep into the crevasses of my brain. I’m trusting that one day my brain will feel safe enough to release, where I’ll be far along in my healing journey where I can say, “Oh hi there, it’s good to know you again,” the rhythm and flow between my lips and tongue pronouncing words I had once forgotten.
